Motormouth: I drive a van and need to speed up my deliveries, so I have to go a little faster

This deliveryman drives a turbo-diesel van to earn a living and feels the need for speed when sending goods from suppliers to customers.

[Story by guest columnist Ace Hai]

I am a deliveryman who drives a turbo-diesel van to earn a living and feels the need for speed when sending goods from suppliers to customers.

I know that motorists come from all walks of life, but I find that many adopt a holier-than-thou attitude towards speedy van drivers such as myself.

Why? You think just because I drive a commercial vehicle means I cannot appreciate fast cars? 

Modern vans don’t belch out black smoke like last time, and my turbo cargo carrier can probably “tear” any random challenger from the traffic lights! 

Ever since the authorities raised the speed limit for vans years ago, I try to make sure I am always at least 10km/h above the limit. My van is not only surprisingly fast, but its brakes are also surprisingly good, so it can stop as well as it goes. 

I even installed a pair of fixed bucket seats since the cargo area panel already prevents me from reclining when behind the wheel. With my racing gloves on and my Sparco steering wheel, sometimes it feels like I’m driving a sports car which happens to look like a box car. 

On every delivery run, I like to cut in front of those zhng cars with big scoop, big wing and big ego. I find it very shiok to smoke them, especially if there’s a xiao mei mei sitting in their front passenger seat. 

Just because I pump diesel doesn’t mean I cannot take the middle or fast lane, okay? Whenever I travel at 70km/h in the first lane, I don’t know why the cars behind me are flashing and honking at me.

I pay road tax as well, so I feel justified trying to block these tailgaters. You know, lah - speed up when they try to overtake and slow down when they get stuck behind me again. 

If these impatient drivers want to give me dirty looks or flash a middle finger when they finally go past my pesky van, it’s not so easy, because I pasted extra-thick black solar film on my windows.

Sorry if you think that vans such as mine shouldn’t travel too fast, but I like to finish my delivery quickly so I can relax one corner and check out the chio office girls on their lunch break.

You never know, maybe I might get lucky! My van’s loadspace could easily fit a soft mattress or a small sofa for physical activity.  

When I bought my little fun van, the dealer gave me a Novena furniture voucher to buy a couch, which I did. Just in case, I also bought a huge Donald Duck decal for the rear window to make sure that Peeping Toms cannot peer inside my love van to see the two lovers in action on the cabin couch wherever we park for a special delivery of bodily fluids.  

Free delivery is slower but safer than freestyle delivery in a hurry.

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