Motormouth: Roses are red, violets are blue, dearest ah lians, let ah bengs chase you

A boyracer cannot rely on a racy car to win the heart of his dream girl, but it is useful for paktor.

Even if the “far east & furious” vehicle in question is a classic bengmobile with a ghastly bodykit, silly spoilers, stupid stickers, a garish cabin, weird neon lights, strange modifications, a loud paint job and loud exhaust pipes. 

Well-dressed office ladies who passed their A-levels might be turned off by such a crazy car, but their street-smart sisters with O-levels might like the “Young & Dangerous” vibes from the ride, complete with a “Chan Ho Nam” wannabe behind the wheel. 

A swagger is standard, but tattoos are optional. Other options for the Engrish-speaking young man in the pocket rocket include an active vocabulary of meaningful Hokkien phrases, clothes and accessories with gold, dragon or golden-dragon elements, and a hi-fi system that pumps out 369 watts of remixed dance tracks. 

The playlist would probably be Andy Lau’s greatest ballads if the ah beng is an older boyracer, who has mellowed after buying/using/selling handphones with illuminated antennas and ditching a collection of orange combs which had long, pointed handles.

Combing through my mental scrapbooks of sporty ah beng cars with pretty ah lians alongside, I remember the two Honda Civics whose DOHC VTEC Power of Dreams helped me accelerate past ah sengs driving less “powderful” hatchbacks on the same highway also looking for steady female companionship. 

But at the end of the road, I remained a powerful fool in a Type R who failed to redline his love life with a string of amazing ah-lian girlfriends, despite having 115 PS per litre, a titanium gearknob, a pair of red Recaro seats, and Championship White paintwork that was resprayed to Sunlight Yellow in a blaze of misguided ah beng glory.

Glorious, but dubious. Good for paktor and chasing girls, but not great for climbing the social ladder.  

"I used to have a Honda Type R like that one, but yerrow corour."

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